Cancer's Highs and Lows

It has been forever since I've blogged... and that has been by choice. I'm not too busy. I'm not overwhelmed. I'm not lacking in things to say. But the last eight months have been wrought with difficult, unexpected, depressing emotions.


The cancer diagnosis was a rollercoaster ride from the start, but by the time I made it to surgery #3 last July, a surgery that by all accounts was the "good" one, the one that would put me back together, I all of a sudden felt anything but positive feelings about it. Two weeks before the operation I was as depressed and full of angst as I was the week I was diagnosed. What the heck? Where was that coming from? Things were going well! This was going to be good!


I never really got to the root of why those thoughts came back, I decided I simply hadn't dealt with them as fully as I thought, and I moved on. I decided I didn't know what to say or how to say it when it came to feeling so low, so "better left unsaid" was my motto, and I waited. I waited to see if my spirits would pick up, if something profound would come to me. It didn't.


The up and down days continued through September. All the while, great things were happening. I got a new job at a positively inspiring place. My surgery was successful. I spent time with my family. We survived a hurricane haha! All.good.things.


Some not so good things happened as well: my plastic surgeon moved away and wouldn't be here for my final surgery, my breast surgeon had a falling out with the care group she was with and went MIA for several months.


Still nothing I couldn't handle - just more of the rollercoaster ride this had been from the start.


Then things started looking up. Another one of God's great plans was my job at Florida Hospital AND the timing of when I started in late September. My first big media rollout would be Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Everyone I needed to meet to complete a new medical team I met in those 30 days.


And just like that, I was back on top. But I still wasn't feeling elated. I wasn't feeling joy.


I enrolled in a Bible Study all about Joy. I thought it was God's way of saying, I hear you, here's what you need. The study irritated me more than it brought me joy, simply because it showed me just how much joy I lacked! Apparently, though, that's what I needed - a big 'ol serving of truth, right up in my face.


When the holidays came, I felt much more light-hearted. It was time for another surgery. There was nothing but positive vibes about it. Even a post-op infection and some reconstruction complications didn't get me down too much.


I thought about blogging then, but decided it was too late to go back to all that happened and I'd just wait until something else came along.


But in this last month, I've realized over and over, this up and down process is part of it. January 13th was harder than I expected. Reliving the "one year ago" moments and feelings is tough. No, it's more than tough. It's so depressing I don't even want to go there. Last year is last year. This is this year.


God sends me messages everywhere. As the one year mark of my diagnosis approached, and I found myself in those very sad moments once again, I drove past a sign that said, "The past is only for reference, not for reliving." Noted.


I don't know if I have a lesson or parting words of wisdom (another reason I hesitated to blog) - but then I think, am I really here to leave behind wisdom? Or, am I just here to share the emotion so that the next person who lives this reality sees it's all part of the journey? I think I'll be the latter.