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Cancer's Highs and Lows

It has been forever since I've blogged... and that has been by choice. I'm not too busy. I'm not overwhelmed. I'm not lacking in things to say. But the last eight months have been wrought with difficult, unexpected, depressing emotions.


The cancer diagnosis was a rollercoaster ride from the start, but by the time I made it to surgery #3 last July, a surgery that by all accounts was the "good" one, the one that would put me back together, I all of a sudden felt anything but positive feelings about it. Two weeks before the operation I was as depressed and full of angst as I was the week I was diagnosed. What the heck? Where was that coming from? Things were going well! This was going to be good!


I never really got to the root of why those thoughts came back, I decided I simply hadn't dealt with them as fully as I thought, and I moved on. I decided I didn't know what to say or how to say it when it came to feeling so low, so "better left unsaid" was my motto, and I waited. I waited to see if my spirits would pick up, if something profound would come to me. It didn't.


The up and down days continued through September. All the while, great things were happening. I got a new job at a positively inspiring place. My surgery was successful. I spent time with my family. We survived a hurricane haha! All.good.things.


Some not so good things happened as well: my plastic surgeon moved away and wouldn't be here for my final surgery, my breast surgeon had a falling out with the care group she was with and went MIA for several months.


Still nothing I couldn't handle - just more of the rollercoaster ride this had been from the start.


Then things started looking up. Another one of God's great plans was my job at Florida Hospital AND the timing of when I started in late September. My first big media rollout would be Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Everyone I needed to meet to complete a new medical team I met in those 30 days.


And just like that, I was back on top. But I still wasn't feeling elated. I wasn't feeling joy.


I enrolled in a Bible Study all about Joy. I thought it was God's way of saying, I hear you, here's what you need. The study irritated me more than it brought me joy, simply because it showed me just how much joy I lacked! Apparently, though, that's what I needed - a big 'ol serving of truth, right up in my face.


When the holidays came, I felt much more light-hearted. It was time for another surgery. There was nothing but positive vibes about it. Even a post-op infection and some reconstruction complications didn't get me down too much.


I thought about blogging then, but decided it was too late to go back to all that happened and I'd just wait until something else came along.


But in this last month, I've realized over and over, this up and down process is part of it. January 13th was harder than I expected. Reliving the "one year ago" moments and feelings is tough. No, it's more than tough. It's so depressing I don't even want to go there. Last year is last year. This is this year.


God sends me messages everywhere. As the one year mark of my diagnosis approached, and I found myself in those very sad moments once again, I drove past a sign that said, "The past is only for reference, not for reliving." Noted.


I don't know if I have a lesson or parting words of wisdom (another reason I hesitated to blog) - but then I think, am I really here to leave behind wisdom? Or, am I just here to share the emotion so that the next person who lives this reality sees it's all part of the journey? I think I'll be the latter.

Comments

  1. Definitely the latter. I’ve felt the same over last few months and don’t know why. I just want to get out of this funk and find my joy. I’m glad you shared the few times I’ve said anything a lot of people say “but at least your cancer free” and believe me I know and am so grateful for that. A few good friends have listened without that response(including your sister) but I haven’t really understood why I’m stuck in this so praying for you and thanks for sharing!��

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  2. I am 29 years old and have been diagnosed with breast cancer, ease of treatment and a similar story, except for my first acceptance as a rejection of herbal medicine. I was not part of the Perseid movement and did not really build relationships with any of them, I just believed in their operation. I say this because it was during the use of Dr. Itua herbal medicine that I now attest that herbal medicine is real, the phytotherapy Dr. Itua heal my breast cancer which I suffered for 2 years. Dr. Itua herbal medicine is made of natural herbs, with no side effects, and easy to drink. If you have the same breast cancer or any type of human illness, including HIV / AIDS, herpes cancer,Ovarian Cancer,Pancratics cancers, bladder cancer, bladder cancer, prostate cancer, Glaucoma., Cataracts,Macular degeneration,Cardiovascular disease,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.Alzheimer's disease,
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  3. I want to share with you all on how Dr Itua saves my life with his powerful Herbal medicines, I was diagnosed of Oral/Ovarian Cancer which i suffered from for 5 years with no positive treatment until when My son came to me in the hospital when i was laying down on my dying bed waiting for god to call out my name to join him in heaven.
    My son was so excited that very day he came across Dr Itua on Blogspot, we decided to give him a try although we Americans are so scared to trust Africans but i really have no choice that time to choose life in between so we gave a try to Dr Itua Herbal medicines, god wiling he was a good man with a god gift. Dr Itua send us the herbal medicine it was three bottles. I take it for three weeks instructor and this herbal medicines heal me, cure my Oral/Ovarian Cancer completely I have been living for 9 months now with healthy life no more symptoms.
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